Hurt

I wish I could tell you it's only my ankle that hurts but I am learning about pride and being humbled by needing help.

This morning at crossfit I was jumping off a box and landed funny and BAMB before I knew it, my ankle was throbbing and tear came quickly.

I asked myself, "why tears?" It wasn't the pain. Was it embarrassment? I think some! Was it my sadness for just now getting back to the gym and BAMB I screwed up and now I cant work out? Really though, I didn't screw up, it was an accident and it could have happened to anyone.

So, I sit here wondering if this is a positive God thing because my walk is going well, food is going well and maybe one more thing at this moment would have been too much.

I choose this day to find joy in my friends, my life, and the bonus of knowing God works all things out for good for those who love him.

Please pray with me that I will continue in joy and be true to my needs and ask for help when I need it. Healing too.

Muddled-Chaos

My immeasurable mess.
Enduring helplessly – without joy.
Fear has taken over.
Praying with an insistent-deserving heart.
Needing joy filled perseverance in the midst of pain.
My resilient devoted husband praying continually.
God allowed difficulty.
While not responding in a way pleasing to God.
Ingesting truth isn’t enough, digestion is essential for growth.
Not being difficult to be around is key.
My infinite mess…

Struggle Colored Sunglasses

My emotions have been all over the place and my poor husband has been a rock. I can’t really tell you everything that is happening, as its not really all my place to share, but what I can tell you is God is faithful and true even in our places of weakness.

I wish I could tell you that I have justifiable reasons for being discouraged and downright moody but there is no reason big enough to say its “ok” or even understandable. We have a great, powerful, and wonderful God who loves us unconditionally, who saved us from death and yet I still have a hard time finding joy in the midst of “small” stuff.

Today, my hindsight is 20/20 and its not pretty. I noticed my struggle is often the filter in which I see God instead of the God being the filter in which I see the struggle. I need to constantly remind myself of truth.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3,7


‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10


For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7 (AMP)


I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8 (AMP)


Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22 (AMP)


He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6 (AMP)


Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7 (AMP)


The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him. Nahum 1:7 (AMP)


“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

The Counterfeit Love of a Co-Dependant Christian

I have difficulty saying “no” when people ask me to do something, even when I know I should not do it.
I feel I need cover up for irresponsible people in my life because I don't want them to suffer. I'd rather "fill in and help them" than see them get consequences. It's my job to assist them.
I understand that it is my job to fix, manage and hold my family/relationship together.
I work hard to be thoughtful and nice to others and get angry when they don't respond or reciprocate my efforts.
I like to be around people that need my help. I avoid situations where I would not have a task or a "duty" to perform for others.
I worry about how I make people feel. It directly affects my own feelings.
When I get in close relationships, I change to try that please that person. I often "read" people to figure out how I should act.
I don't like being alone. I need to be around others all the time.
I am afraid of people. I need to isolate.
Being "good to myself" is equivalent to selfishness
In the areas of my life where I experience approval, I often become over-involved. In the areas of failure, I detach and withdraw.
If something is not perfect I see it as a failure
I become defensive when others point out my imperfections
I often measure myself in accordance with other people. It leaves me feeling as if I'm "better" then others sometimes, and "worse" than others at other times.
I have a hard time leaving relationships, even if they are unhealthy
I have a difficult time asking people for help, even when it's necessary.
I feel sometimes that if I don't do it myself, it will never get done right
I find it difficult to speak what I truly feel or ask for what I need.
I have secret sins in my life that I cannot not let others know about because it would ruin my image of being the "strong one" (i.e., alcohol, drugs, food addiction, sex, pornography, etc.)

I’m sure the list could go on and I’m sure some of you can relate to at least a few of these.

I have learned these behaviors over years of dysfunctional relationships but they have become habits I hope to break ONE by ONE. These habits have produced a counterfeit love that I felt I could control by my actions and responses towards others.

This week has been a difficult week with these behaviors because I have an old friend I am severing ties with. This particular relationships has been one of the most dysfunctional I have ever known but the desire to stay connected and be “friends” with this person has stayed close to my heart. What is it I desire?
The attention.
The compassion.
The appreciation.
The affirmation.
The appearance of acceptance and love.

I am awesome in this person’s eyes. I can do no wrong in this persons perception. I am the bee’s knees to this person. I have been an on and off friend/lover of this person for over 10 years and there is always something that pulls me back. Whether its my need to be puffed up, my desire to “feel” unconditionally loved, or my necessity to take my life’s woes out on someone. Argh!

In January I called it quits for good. I apologized for the person I had been to them, the pain I had caused, the weak person I had become in my relationship to them, and how I wish I could have been more like Jesus in my relations to them. I explained what wasn’t working and my goal of becoming emotionally and spiritually whole and healthy. I made sure not to point the finger and used mostly “I” statements to show my faults and needs in severing this relationship. I asked for respect and understanding in my need to do this for not only me but them too. The relationship was so unhealthy that it wasn’t good for either of us.

It was a while before I heard anything but when I did I really felt like closure was finally taking place. They email me telling me that they were ready to move on and “bury” all the memories we once had together. I was so thankful and relieved to know that I could finally move on and not have to think of it any longer (or so I thought).

This first step was the initial battle of taking back what was mine – Me. This was by the redemptive power of God in my life that I was able to say, “no more.” That I was able to admit it wasn’t working and stand on solid ground proclaiming God was my rock and I didn’t need this relationship anymore. But what I didn’t realize then was that there are two battles – the initial battle of stopping a behavior/sin and the second ongoing battle of not falling back into old patterns and “comfortable” behaviors.

It was about a week ago that I got a simple, “I miss you @~~`~~,~~” email. Talk about blind sided. I hadn’t even really thought about this person till now, but it’s like a flood. At first I was angry, “How could they email me after all this time and space? What a piece of work, they are so disrespectful. I told them it was over!!” My mind raced with all the things I wanted to say to them and how I wish I could rip them a new one with my words. After a few days the angry feelings passed and I started to wonder, “How are they doing? How are their kids? I wonder if we could have a productive friendship now. What do they really miss about me? Can I help them to see Jesus?” All questions that are unsafe, unhealthy, and frankly hazardous to the progress/ground I have gained over the last months.

This person needing/desiring me and my attention – played solely into my co-dependent nature. Now, just keeping it real (because that’s just what I do) I thought this relationship was exclusively the only co-dependant relationship I have. When if I’m honest (which I try hard to be) I’m co-dependant is lots of relationships I have. Oy. My onion has THOUSANDS of layers… praise God I’m ready for another to be exposed. Joy fills me as I learn of new ways to grow.

Just a few weeks ago I felt disconnected, unappreciated, and ultra needy towards the girls in my Monday Weight Loss group and coming to this realization about my dependency on people has shown me that most of the issues I was having in the group was because I didn’t have control. OUCH! Now, I instantly want to defend why I felt unwanted, unappreciated, and needy but I’ll leave you with this, I stuck it out, expressed my needs, and my girlfriends are walking with me through it. Not always comfortably and not always with finesse but never the less I am pushing through the uncomfortable to gain freedom and more “ground” in my process of “healing” which can be referred to as “life.”

I have joy in my onion today!
I am finding joy in my desire to contact this person because I am drawing closer to God as a result.
I am finding joy in my lack of unhealthy attachments to people because in learning about them, I can change them by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Joy because I am empowered by God to make good choices each and every moment.
Joy because I am not alone, I have great people helping me learn how to release control and trust God each and every day.

Melt Down turned Face Down



This weekend started our annual backpacking trips. Every second weekend of the month May – October we hike on trails carrying all our camping gear in and out. Completely self-sufficient.

We planned to do a trail in the Columbia Gorge 14 miles round trip on Herman Creek Trail. I got too excited and convinced Jake we should leave Friday after work instead of waiting till morning. Well, this would have been all good and fine – if dark wasn’t the enemy of hiking. We hiked (uphill) for about 3 miles when it started to become dusk, as we got to waterfall after waterfall we started to wonder if we were ever going to find a place to camp. Realizing where we had planned to hike wasn’t going to happen, we started looking for anywhere to pitch the tent. Since this trail runs along a huge canyon, there wasn’t any wide spots to pitch a tent. Then a large waterfall ran across the trail – instant fear and panic. Not only did I not believe I could cross but daylight wasn’t on our side. I started to cross the creek and panic was pushed aside by horror. I took a step forward, followed by a quick step back - out of fear.

Then what I feared most happened – twisted my ankle.
Pain shot up my leg as fear and panic boiled over into a melt down. Tears rolled down my face as anger and anxiety filled my thoughts and tounge. As my thoughts and words turned irrational I freaked out. I was praying and praying, wishing God would stop time so we could make it to a place where we could make camp and not have to hike in the dark. I ranted and cried every step, the pain from not only my ankle but blisters made every step one of hopeless faith.

Hopeless faith? Well, yes. I prayed God would intervene if He loved me and even cared. I questioned why He didn’t intervene in the past and present so it wouldn’t have come to this scary place of unknowns with the dark nipping at our heals and the pain of injury and feeling defeat. Faith because I believed that if I just kept praying something could happen. Hopeless because I didn’t see Him helping prior and I felt that I deserve something better then this situation.

I was hysterical, crying, yelling, praying, while walking as fast as I could to get to a place where we could camp. My attitude was dreadful, unfortunate, tragic, and nothing like Jesus.

Although I couldn’t see it then, I now see that God showed up in a BIG way.

As 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

But really we need to look more closely at this whole section of scripture vs. 7-10: “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I wish I could tell you I was a “good” Christian girl in my response to the hard facts of the situation I found myself in on Friday but I didn’t. Thankfully I am looking back and seeing how much growth I need to have and how much I can learn from this situation.

God's blessings POURED our over me that night on the trail in AMAZING WAYS:
• My pain level and the severity of the injury was minuscule in comparison to what it could have been.
• We did get to a place to camp before dark.
• A man hiking in the dark passed through and happened to have an ace bandage he gave to us.
• I was able to sleep through the night without waking up in pain.

God came through EVEN through my faith wavered on defeat. For it is in MY weakness that he is made STRONG!

I need to start digesting what I have learned in the bible over the years. Ingesting the truths of the bible just isn’t enough – we are called to digest it until it becomes part of who we are.

My prayer for just this is simple – just as Paul’s was in Colossians 1:9-14 “ For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

When I ranted my questions of why, over and over, wishing, hoping, praying for God to just answer me and tell me WHY? I took for granted the great and wonderful God he is and wanted understanding, where as my inadequate viewpoint, will always fail. Asking why doesn’t help me get through, but “what” questions will. What do you want me to do with what has happened? What can I learn from this? What part of this is for my protection? What other opportunities could God be providing? What maturity could God be building in me?

Today I am face down at the cross in repentance for my attitude, actions, and choices when faced with (what I felt was) disaster. I am disappointment in myself for my lack of faith, but I am filled with JOY that God is using my weakness for his good. No shame. No guilt. Only repentance to a good and faithful God.

Learning and growing once step, one choice, one question, and one action at a time.

Meredith Andrews - In Your Arms

Undivided Heart

Integrity - "The lifeblood of integrity is becoming the same person no matter where we are- no matter who's around. When we become people of integrity, everything we are in the inside is obvious from the outside. The Latin word for 'integrity' literally means 'entire.' The essence of the term is wholeness and completeness. Integrity is 'the quality or state of being complete or undivided.' You can see, therefore, how much integrity depends on consistency. Integrity not only calls us to live inside-out, it keeps the outside from coming in. Consistency in our walk and in our talk becomes a transportable cloak of protection around us, going anywhere we go. Life becomes so much simpler when there aren't so many costume changes.*" * sent to me from a friend

Integrity defined: the quality of possessing and steadfastly adhering to high moral principles or professional standards.

I believe that integrity is a direct result of self care and evidence of our obedience to God.
It’s a choice.
We have the opportunity to make it priority daily.
It shapes all areas of our life.

Fort Vancouver Run 10K by Energy Events

Me ~ Elizabeth ~ Andrea

Last Sunday, March 27, 2011 was the Fort Vancouver Run put on by Energy Events. This run was my favorite of last year and this year it didn’t disappoint. I had a great time with friends running the beautiful, well planned course.

Although I had planned to have a flawless race, this run was the hardest I have had to date. My body just didn’t want to run that morning. I struggled with a side ache for 9 out of the 10K and I just didn’t have the endurance I normally do.

Aside from the body just not wanting to be out there, the race itself is still one of my favorites. The mile markers were better then last year and the volunteers/water stations were well placed. The only iffy spot was at the park where we turned around, we were to cross over the road – crossing the people who had already turned around. When we got to the park we were told (by other runners) to cross over and go around the park counter clock wise but thinking about it later I think we were suppose to go around the park clockwise and then hit the water station last, but I think somewhere ahead of us people started stopping at the water station first which got people off track with going the wrong way. This really wasn’t that big of a deal, just interesting.

The course was the same as last year and just as wonderful. I wouldn’t change a thing about the course it self.

Energy Events always make the races memorable and worthwhile.

I do have to admit that the shirt design this year was BEYOND cool! I love the shirt this year.

I finished the 10K in 1:29:42. Slow and steady – but I didn’t quit… even though it crossed my mind on more then one occasion. Thanks to my friends Andrea and Elizabeth, I kept going and made it through. Thanks girls!!

My next run is EARTH DAY RUN!!! Please come join me!! April 23, 2011 in Tigard, OR. I'll be doing the 10K - for all you fair weather runners, the weather should be better for this one. Maybe...

Surrender

While writing my last blog I remembered the passion I once had for writing. Life gets busy and we can’t do all that we desire but writing is a huge stress release for me and helps me to get out of my thoughts and into reality. I wouldn’t say I am a very good writer but I love it how thoughts become words.

I continue to be engulfed with thoughts from the retreat I attended a couple weekends ago. But its not only the retreat that has me all twisted. It’s the events, dates, social times, that lead up to the retreat that has me in this place of cultivation and realization.

The weeks leading up to the retreat God was so faithful in awakening my heart and refresh my soul into a place of listening, learning, and an unquenchable thirst for His words.

Generous Redemption

The story I am about to tell you is not a story about me.

It is not a story about all I have done, all I’ll do, or even what I dream to do.

It’s not a story about my life, my achievements or even about what I have accomplished.

It’s not about me.

The story I am about to tell you is about… Jesus.

A story about God who came to earth as a man – who was without sin and became sin so all those who believed in Him would live in eternity forever.

This is a story about grace.

It’s a story about love.

It’s a story about undeniable compassion.

It’s a passionate story about generous redemption.

Generous redemption, irrefutable love, and unquestionable compassion for a wreck like me.